the space between

A collection of messages never sent 

12.5.2017

I only want what is freely given. 

I think prayer is something about letting, and allowing. Sometimes things only develop with space. Sometimes those things aren't things at all and are greater than imagined. 

I would like to sincerely say thank you, for how you saw me. Your view was life giving.

I am coming out of some shell, slowly. You were a part of the process of developing hope, of not feeling alone and unrecognized.

I can't pretend part of me doesn't want something else with you. But what is wanting if not about hunger and lack, and what is lack if not ugly and tired and poor. 

I don't have claws to grab into you.

I wouldn't want to be part of your mind through some destruction of you. 

I do find knowing you expansive, and yourself beautiful. 

9.8.2017

Last night I had a dream you were 100 different men. Everything about you shifted but your eyes, and side by side, I would want you in different ways, and piece by piece you would fade away. 

A kaleidoscope of you. 

And I suppose I should learn something about the nature of wanting. 

In the dream I felt glad for you, for your changes for your happiness, but I felt sad for myself. For wanting something I felt was better than who I am. I felt sad for myself, for not being strong enough to recognize myself. 

More than anything I would like to not dream about you. Not dream about you when I am next to someone else. Not dream about you when I am curled on my sofa in a mid-day nap. Not dream about you when I feel loved. Not hold onto you like a future I don't deserve. And not hold on to you like a caring-for I can't create.